Mastering the Art of (Actually) Breaking Up

I sometimes like to start a post by defining a word, usually the focus of the piece. Then I launch into a rant and the likes. But today, when I looked up "breakup" on Wikipedia, the explanation stunned me a little (to say the least) and distracted me from my main topic. Here's why:

"A relationship breakup, often referred to simply as a breakup, is the termination of a usually intimate relationship by any means other than death."

Ummmmmm. Why is DEATH in this sentence? I'm not sure this is exactly how I'd define a breakup, but we'll go with it. Thanks for the harsh words, Wikipedia.

So breakups.
I totally lack the finesse required to execute a clean breakup. Mine are messy, sad, and dramatic. Yet somehow, most of them have ended up being non-binding. Not final. Just a prequel to the sequel.

When I was younger, I was under the impression that breaking up meant the end. Cut the cord, adios, see you never. Then I got older and started understanding the cliche, "It's complicated." I've seen that couple totally in love break up, but keep talking and texting as if it was still on. I've seen the post-breakup hookup. There's the whole "I still love you" move, or the early breakup deemed a mistake so the couple's back together.

In the words of My Sassy Gay Friend... WHAT ARE YOU DOING? What. What. WHAT are you doing?

I think it's a mistake a lot of us make, going back for seconds (or thirds in some cases). And it's understandable, there's this little thing called feelings involved, and they're a tad hard to get rid of without massive help from our friends Ben and Jerry. But still. After a few experiences of the like, I'm trying to now remind myself that my man of the moment and I broke up for a reason. And that reason would still be valid if we got back together. So maybe it would be blissful for a few weeks, months even, but eventually it always pops back up.

Anyways. My point here is not to help women around the world figure out their post-breakup feelings, it's to figure out how to make a clean break. A definitive break. I've tried a few things, but none of them really deter my gentlemen callers. Why is it that I yell and they run back (besides the memory of my stellar personality and good looks)?

I thought and thought and thought and I think it clicked for me. Closure. If it wasn't 100% clear why it was over, even though it was well understood, if we don't word it veryyyyy clearly (men aren't so good at deciphering implications), it's not really done. It leaves feelings of sadness, sometimes guilt, and so on.

Next time I have to orchestrate a breakup, I'm gonna make sure to have a nice two-way conversation, reallllllllly clarifying why this is happening, to shut down any chance of round 2.

After the messy, dramatic stuff of course.